Sunday, August 19, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Wonder of You
I wanted you since before I knew of the possibility of you. I've dreamed of you. I loved you from the moment I knew of you. And you have fulfilled every wish, every hope. You are magic to me. I am grateful.
I've always known I wanted children. And I have been doubly blessed with you both. But all of my imaginings could not have come close to the wonder of you. My desires for you were real, but the thoughts of you were so abstract. The reality is so fantastic I have trouble fathoming it. Believing it. I keep thinking every age, every stage is the best. I hope that continues. I feel I have more of a purpose now, being your mother. I know. That is not a PC thing to say. Not very strong feminist, to say being your mother gave me purpose. But it's true. There is a lot I want to do and accomplish. But right now there is nowhere else I want to be. Nothing else I want to do. I feel when you run to me I am right where I belong.
I've always known I wanted children. And I have been doubly blessed with you both. But all of my imaginings could not have come close to the wonder of you. My desires for you were real, but the thoughts of you were so abstract. The reality is so fantastic I have trouble fathoming it. Believing it. I keep thinking every age, every stage is the best. I hope that continues. I feel I have more of a purpose now, being your mother. I know. That is not a PC thing to say. Not very strong feminist, to say being your mother gave me purpose. But it's true. There is a lot I want to do and accomplish. But right now there is nowhere else I want to be. Nothing else I want to do. I feel when you run to me I am right where I belong.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Together
When I see you playing together my heart swells with joy. Dreaming of the future bond you will have as brothers. Thinking of you loving and enjoying each other, being there for each other. I hope so much for you to have a special relationship.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Thank You Eleanor Roosevelt
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
Sometimes we need a little reminder that while our feelings are always valid, we should not always give someone else power to make us feel bad.
When the lights are turned off around me, I will turn them back on.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Gratitude
Dad 1.11
Slow motion pain and a kick to the gut. the sound of your mom's voice as she tells you your dad has died. They couldn't save him. There is no sense to these words. Save him? From what? he wasn't sick. They were on vacation in Florida, enjoying time away. The golf course for him and for her...well she was there for him, b/c he wanted to be.
He wasn't ill when they left, he joked about my being paranoid b/c I wanted their return flight information. He had emailed the itinerary going to Florida but had forgotten to send the return flight info. Look into that what you will...He said what's the difference ..if the plane lands you'll know. If it doesn't you'll know that too. We had no idea the plane would land just fine but my mom would be coming home alone.
-
Making my mom repeat the worst words she has ever had to say, to tell her children. Because they were like a foreign language, beating against my brain and I couldn't stop it, couldn't make it untrue. This buzzing starts in your head and you think if I can just rewind a few minutes I can change this. And then the realization that not only has this horrible, horrifying thing occured...but your mom is still there. Alone. and she has to not only handle things there at the hospital, she has to pack up their things and get home to us. You can't run over to their house and hug her, see her for yourself, know she is still with you. You have become a Fatherless daughter in the span of one sentence. And understanding what to do next is still a mystery, 11 months later. The idea of what has happened is still outside my realm of understanding.
He wasn't ill when they left, he joked about my being paranoid b/c I wanted their return flight information. He had emailed the itinerary going to Florida but had forgotten to send the return flight info. Look into that what you will...He said what's the difference ..if the plane lands you'll know. If it doesn't you'll know that too. We had no idea the plane would land just fine but my mom would be coming home alone.
-
Making my mom repeat the worst words she has ever had to say, to tell her children. Because they were like a foreign language, beating against my brain and I couldn't stop it, couldn't make it untrue. This buzzing starts in your head and you think if I can just rewind a few minutes I can change this. And then the realization that not only has this horrible, horrifying thing occured...but your mom is still there. Alone. and she has to not only handle things there at the hospital, she has to pack up their things and get home to us. You can't run over to their house and hug her, see her for yourself, know she is still with you. You have become a Fatherless daughter in the span of one sentence. And understanding what to do next is still a mystery, 11 months later. The idea of what has happened is still outside my realm of understanding.
Looks
I used to be complimented on my eyes all the time. How bright and big they were. I haven't been complimented on them since Feb 8, 2009.
I have aged visibly since my father unexpectedly died. My face seems drawn, my eyes not so bright. I think they have actually become duller. Grief will do that to you.
Along with my eyes my hair was complimented. My eyes and hair were my thing. It was thick and shiny and I was told lusterous. Since 2/8/09 it is simply not. Not a word has been said about my locks, except for in Oct when I cut bangs and many inches off. But those were more comments about the change I think, rather than a general compliment about my hair itself.
We can channel our grief the best way we know how. We can exercise, do yoga, go to therapy. Drink and eat to excess. But how do we really truly shake the grief, enough to not show the physical signs.
I have not been truly complimented on my usual things since, No, not even by my boyfriend.
I should be happy. I am in love. I am by all accounts fortunate. But I have lost the first man I have loved. The first man who loved me. and it shows.
I have aged visibly since my father unexpectedly died. My face seems drawn, my eyes not so bright. I think they have actually become duller. Grief will do that to you.
Along with my eyes my hair was complimented. My eyes and hair were my thing. It was thick and shiny and I was told lusterous. Since 2/8/09 it is simply not. Not a word has been said about my locks, except for in Oct when I cut bangs and many inches off. But those were more comments about the change I think, rather than a general compliment about my hair itself.
We can channel our grief the best way we know how. We can exercise, do yoga, go to therapy. Drink and eat to excess. But how do we really truly shake the grief, enough to not show the physical signs.
I have not been truly complimented on my usual things since, No, not even by my boyfriend.
I should be happy. I am in love. I am by all accounts fortunate. But I have lost the first man I have loved. The first man who loved me. and it shows.
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