Thursday, January 11, 2007

half in, half out

Every new item that I managed to bring over was another small victory. Another moment closer to freedom. And it made sense to nobody on the outside looking in. But these things rarely do. I was scared to do it the “normal” way. Scared of the ramifications now that I had had a taste of what they would be. Now that I’d seen who lived inside his head. So I packed up stuff when I could and I smiled and nodded at all the right places. Do you know how hard it to smile when you’re shaking? When not only have all of his lies been uncovered, when you’ve realized just how badly you’ve been taken, when just how much you’ve rearranged your life for this person becomes clear, but you also feel helpless. And that helplessness becomes shame. Forget about the heartbreak, the spinning circle of realizations. Concentrate on doing whatever you need to do for yourself. Ignore friends and family with their own ideas and opinions, the ones that say you should have known, who call you foolish.

On that day when the clouds lifted away from my “rose colored glasses” covered eyes, my only concern was for my 2 furry babies. I acted out of instinct and brought them to safety. And then put myself right back into harm’s way, not for a few days, but for a few months…all the while knowing that as long as they were safe, I could handle whatever. I hope that means that one day I will be a good mother to human babies, that I have shown myself that I will not put myself first in bad times. That I will look after those who depend on me.

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