Wednesday, January 24, 2007

False level of comfort

My favorite place to be was on the couch, with my head on his chest. I felt safe there, protected. Turns out he hated that position, my head blocked the television for him. Maybe had I known that, a lot of other things would have been clearer sooner. Do you think it's wrong to add that to the list of things to find out on a first date for now on? Do you enjoy family? Do you want marriage and children? Will you let me feel safe in whatever way needed?

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Getting by

You know how some people love the excitement of a new relationship, all of the uncertainty and the getting to know the other person. I like the later part, the intimate we know each other so well part. The history, the knowledge of likes and dislikes. I am good in a relationship, being someone's girlfriend. Taking care of someone and being taken care of. I don't do so well at the dating part. At the anticipation, the what to wear, the what to say, does he like me, do I like him? Maybe that's why I always stay too long in a bad situation.
Knowing right now how much better this is, this being able to get on with my life, my happiness - there is still that longing for what was. Understanding that what was is no longer a good thing...not so easy for my mind to accept.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Whatever Works

It may be a cliche, but giving to someone else really does benefit the giver in ways that you don't realize. I have signed up to be on Beth's "Small Change" committee.
For me, just the simple act of sending a card to a child through "Make a Child Smile" was actually quite powerful. I've been going through some personal issues lately, and by writing out that card, putting a face, a name, an address, to a child in need - really forced me to come up out of my own painful place. I knew I had wanted/needed to get more involved in things outside of my own little world, but I kept procrastinating. You know how we all say "tomorrow, or I'll do it later.". Finally doing something just felt incredible. I've been a frequent monetary contributor to animal charities, but only a sometimes participant with my time. Here's to giving more of myself, even if it isn't always easy. And, by telling friends about my actions, some have been motivated to get more involved as well! Thanks for getting us moving Beth!

Friday, January 12, 2007


You put all you have into it, you believe because you choose to. You don't stop to think am I being duped? Does this person get some joy out of telling me what I need to hear...or if not joy, do they just think it's not important enough to be truthful?
Or am I the fool? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well, then shame on me.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

half in, half out

Every new item that I managed to bring over was another small victory. Another moment closer to freedom. And it made sense to nobody on the outside looking in. But these things rarely do. I was scared to do it the “normal” way. Scared of the ramifications now that I had had a taste of what they would be. Now that I’d seen who lived inside his head. So I packed up stuff when I could and I smiled and nodded at all the right places. Do you know how hard it to smile when you’re shaking? When not only have all of his lies been uncovered, when you’ve realized just how badly you’ve been taken, when just how much you’ve rearranged your life for this person becomes clear, but you also feel helpless. And that helplessness becomes shame. Forget about the heartbreak, the spinning circle of realizations. Concentrate on doing whatever you need to do for yourself. Ignore friends and family with their own ideas and opinions, the ones that say you should have known, who call you foolish.

On that day when the clouds lifted away from my “rose colored glasses” covered eyes, my only concern was for my 2 furry babies. I acted out of instinct and brought them to safety. And then put myself right back into harm’s way, not for a few days, but for a few months…all the while knowing that as long as they were safe, I could handle whatever. I hope that means that one day I will be a good mother to human babies, that I have shown myself that I will not put myself first in bad times. That I will look after those who depend on me.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007