Thursday, July 26, 2012

Dad 1.11

Slow motion pain and a kick to the gut. the sound of your mom's voice as she tells you your dad has died. They couldn't save him. There is no sense to these words. Save him? From what? he wasn't sick. They were on vacation in Florida, enjoying time away. The golf course for him and for her...well she was there for him, b/c he wanted to be.
He wasn't ill when they left, he joked about my being paranoid b/c I wanted their return flight information. He had emailed the itinerary going to Florida but had forgotten to send the return flight info. Look into that what you will...He said what's the difference ..if the plane lands you'll know. If it doesn't you'll know that too. We had no idea the plane would land just fine but my mom would be coming home alone.
Making my mom repeat the worst words she has ever had to say, to tell her children. Because they were like a foreign language, beating against my brain and I couldn't stop it, couldn't make it untrue. This buzzing starts in your head and you think if I can just rewind a few minutes I can change this. And then the realization that not only has this horrible, horrifying thing occured...but your mom is still there. Alone. and she has to not only handle things there at the hospital, she has to pack up their things and get home to us. You can't run over to their house and hug her, see her for yourself, know she is still with you. You have become a Fatherless daughter in the span of one sentence. And understanding what to do next is still a mystery, 11 months later. The idea of what has happened is still outside my realm of understanding.

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